When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary,
When troubles come and my heart burdened be.
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

This song used to always make me cry. Just because of that first time, after the string solo, when the man sings the chorus, I'd just burst into tears. Maybe it's because I knew that was true? Even back when I was 14 I knew that the only person I could really count on to lift me up constantly and consistantly, no matter what happened or what was happening to them, was God. Not Jesus but the heavenly father. Yes people say he's the same thing but there's a difference between his son and the father.

Trust me.

Sorry to sound so preachy all the sudden but just...I don't know. Listening to this song over and over again makes me think of my mom. Especially those first lines I started with. She really needs someone right now to lift her up. I really wish someone could.. Cause when I see her so tired and worn out like I saw her today, her telling me she wished God would tell her she was ready to die, really took a lot out of me. It's hard to just sit there and listen, trying your hardest to help, when you know your you can't do anything for your own mom.

Wow I'm making myself cry...

I wish my little sister was home..
She'd make me feel better.
Plus she'd know what to do to help mom. She always knows what to do about those things. Her and her adorable cuteness.

I'm sorry I keep writing these depressing journals. First Peter leaving and now finally updating it's something else depressing. I mean, I'm having a job interview tomorrow. Which is so great! I really hope I get to be a pharmacy tech and actually work with the stuff. Then I'll know if I want to go into it. Plus the guy interviewing me tomorrow seemed really nice so I should be more confident. And and and and I are making an AMAZING Harry Potter story. And I'm so excited! Because my character likes Hello Kitty and Allie's is really epic though she hasn't had the chance to be yet and it's going to be awesome!

But idk...I'm just really worried about my mom. [Great and now I'm crying] I just really wish it was the school year again when Sam was gone, my little sister was happy/tormenting me and mom was completely and utterly confident in herself because she was acing chemistry. She was starting to get really excited about teaching you know? And that would be great if she got her masters. It would make her feel like 'even though you fucked me over I could still make it on my own! I got this, which is better than you have on my own with two kids, a job, and taking care of a house!' And I know that would make her feel better. Then she wouldn't be as depressed anymore and we could be happy with my older sister very very far away from us. Because when she's far away we get along with her better.

Also I've been worrying about my Auntie Lou..
I keep on having these dreams that she's going to die ever since she told me she had no reason to be here anymore since Mark's gone. [He died in Feb with my grandfather, same day and everything]
So I've been worried about that because well..when I went over to my dad's house she was my sanctuary. I always belonged at her place and she was my best friend. We played tea party and I did shows and we made animal pancakes and we listened to the radio and I colored on her fridge. Heck, she even gave me the little note that I wrote on her fridge in the 3rd grade [my first time writing in cursive] on the day of the funeral. Just..she was a huge part of my life, even though I had to let her go for a little while. I would really miss her and I don't want her to go..

Anyways, idk..guess another night crying silently to myself =/

God I sound like such an emo xDDD
I had good reasons I swear! It wasn't over lack of concert tickets!
It was over my dad leaving

Oh well..
I hope everyone's doing okay. :]
Please keep us in your prayers.
We really need it.
I don't want Mom to be depressed anymore.